


Twink of March

by louisnights



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Harry shits himself a lot, Liam's dumbassery (he's based on a character who's even dumber than him so give me a break), Liam's obsessed with sex, M/M, Model Louis, No Smut, Zayn's got diabities, he was in a coma so i don't blame him, just mentions and talks of sex, this is basically just a Miss March au so if you've seen that film you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-11-01 23:57:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20552033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louisnights/pseuds/louisnights
Summary: On the night that Harry and his boyfriend of two years, Louis, plan to have sex for the first time, Harry falls into a coma. Four years later, Harry wakes up and discovers that his boyfriend is now a model for a gay erotic magazine, Bold Arva. Together with his best friend Liam, Harry embarks on a journey to the Bold Arva Mansion to win back Louis.or, it's the Miss March au that no one asked for.





	Twink of March

**Author's Note:**

> please don't take this fic too seriously, as it is a crack fic based on a very ridiculous movie.

**Summer, 2003**

"The floor is lava!" Liam yells as he drops pillows onto the floor, stepping on only then and then picking up the ones behind him to repeat the process. "Are you sure your sister has those footie cards?"

"Yes! I swear they're in a box hidden in her closet," Harry replies. They sneak into his sister’s room, opening up her closet. Harry grabs the old shoebox out from where it's hidden in the back of some hoodies and opens it. He picks up the card of David Beckham. "Look! This is so sweet! I knew I'd get it back!" Harry wiggles the card happily in Liam's direction.

Liam doesn't seem to notice it. He's staring into the box. "Whoa," he grabs a magazine from under the items in the box. "Your sister's got a _Bold Arva_ magazine!"

"No she does not!" Harry yells, shoving his shoulder into his best friend. Liam ignores him, flipping through the magazine. His eyes widen as he flips to a particular page. "Wow! Look at this lad's bum, mate, that's amazing!"

"I'm not really interested in looking at a stranger's bum," Harry says, grimacing. "Put it back."

"No," Liam walks out of the room while still looking through the magazine, completely ignoring everything around him. "What about the floor is lava!?"

"Whatever," Liam's voice says from out in the hall. Harry sighs, defeated.

\-----

**College, sixth form 2007**

They're in free period, and Harry's just texting Louis so that he can freely ignore Liam as he ogles all the lads playing football out on the grass. He's got a Bold Arva magazine in his hands.

Zayn Malik walks past, and Liam whistles in his direction. "God, you’re hot. You look like a sexy secretary." He gasps. “A  _ sexretary _ .”

Zayn turns around, grabbing Liam's arm and twisting it. "What you call me?"

"Nothing, mate," Liam smiles tightly. "Nothing at all."

"Good," Zayn nods. He walks away to continue playing footie with his mates. Harry snickers, texting Louis about what just happened as Liam pouts in Zayn's general direction.

"You know you could just ask him out like a sane person," Harry says, nudging his shoulder. Liam just groans pitifully. "I can't, Haz, he's crazy hot."

"Yeah, sure," Harry shrugs, laughing at the text Louis just sent in response. 

Liam shoves him.

After that Liam drives him to the elementary school across town, the one that's super conservative. "I don't get why you do these seminars."

"They pay well," Harry says, shrugging his shoulders. He does that a lot around Liam, he's noticed. He should try and stop that. He shrugs again to himself internally. "It's shit but we've got to save up for mine and Louis' future apartment fund somehow."

"Yeah, okay," Liam sounds skeptical, which, Harry can understand. The job ain't ideal, but giving these shows is actually a form of practice for Harry, as it gives him a chance to sharpen his acting skills. Not that he's planning on becoming an actor, but it could be useful someday if he eventually decides to pursue his dream of becoming a singer.

Liam doesn't really understand the concept of saving up for anything yet, as the only thing he pays for out of his own pocket is his bi-weekly subscription of _Bold Arva_ and sometimes a box of condoms and lube.

That's another thing they don't have in common. Liam likes sex, a lot. And he's had a lot of it in the past year since he lost his virginity to Alice in a bad house party. Harry's the opposite. He hasn't had sex, and he doesn't even know if he's even ready for that yet.

Liam pulls into the parking spot, killing the engine and getting out. Harry follows suit, running his fingers through his hair in an effort to straighten it somewhat for his performance.

Louis meets them at the door of the school, giving Harry a quick peck on the lips in greeting. "Ready to give some Catholic kids a bad sex education?"

"Define bad…" Liam says, letting his voice trail off for the full comedic effect. They don't laugh. 

The part ways with Liam in front of the auditorium doors, and find their way backstage. Harry squeezes Louis' hand quickly before letting go. "You ready?"

"Yeah," Louis nods, kissing Harry's forehead quickly. "Let's do this thing."

They stand to the side, watching as the principal introduces them. There's scattered clapping as they walk together onto the stage, the loudest clap coming from Liam somewhere in the middle.

"Hello, everyone," Louis has his most charming smile in full effect as he looks down at his audience of mostly twelve to fourteen year old's. "My name is Louis, and that is my boyfriend Harry. We have been together for two years and we have never had sex. Innit, Harold?"

"That's right, Louis," Harry nods enthusiastically. "You see, we don't need to have sex for our relationship to have value. Sex can be a dangerous thing."

Harry turns dramatically towards the audience. "Last year, my sister and her boyfriend, who had been dating for about a year decided to go-" Harry turns his voice down to a whisper. "-all the way."

"Oh no," Louis exclaims, clutching his heart. "You don't mean they had sex, do you, Harry?"

"Oh yes, that's exactly what they did, Louis," Harry replies. "You see, the only thing my sister gained from this experience was chlamydia. Then she got into a car crash."

"It was a horrible car crash," Louis chimes in. "So don't have sex kids, cause you will get a venereal disease and injure yourselves."

\-----

Harry climbs up the tree in front of Louis' window, getting out his nokia flip phone to dial his number. Louis walks up to his window, shirtless and his hair unkempt. "Hey, babe."

"Hey," Harry smiles, just staring at the beauty that is his boyfriend. Louis smiles back at him. He bites his lip as he leans on the window sill. "I've been thinking, maybe we should take things further."

Harry's eyebrows raise up as he blinks. "You mean like, sex?"

"Yeah," Louis shrugs one of his shoulders. "We've been going out for two years and I know you're the one. I want you to be my first everything."

Harry clutches the phone in his hand harder, his knuckles probably turning white. "I don't know. My sister-"

"God, Harry," Louis scoffs, not unkindly. "Your sister got chlamydia because she didn't use a condom with her older boyfriend. We're both virgins. And we're both guys so you won't get pregnant."

"Okay," Harry nods nervously. "I'll have sex with you after the winter ball."

"Yeah?" Louis' face lights up as he bounces up and down on his toes excitedly. "Cool."

"Cool."

\-----

Harry's styling his hair in the mirror when his phone rings. He grabs his phone, already knowing it's Liam without even looking at the caller id. "Hey."

"Are you excited?" Liam exclaims. "You're about to fuck. Or is Louis doing the fucking? Wait, did you shave your balls? Did you-"

"Liam, I don't shave my balls," Harry says, rolling his eyes. He sprays on a little bit of cologne. "And I don't know if we're going all the way yet."

"Fuck, mate," liam yells. Harry moves the phone a tiny bit away from his ear. "Harry, you have to go all the way!"

"I don't know, I don't even know if I'm ready for all this."

"Cheer up, lad, you're about to  _ have sex! _ With your boyfriend of two years!"

Before Harry can even answer, he hears the limo pull up outside. He has no idea why they had to get a limo but he's not going to question it.

"Oh gotta go, Li, the car is here," Harry says. He's about to hang up when Liam yells at him to wait. "What is it?"

"Remember Charles who failed sixth form two years ago?"

"Yeah, what about him?"

"He's the one who got the limo. His name is Bullpenis.mp3 now."

"Bullpenis?" Harry asks, incredulously staring at himself in the mirror.

"Yeah, .mp3."

".mp3."

Harry just hangs up, putting the phone in the pocket of his slacks. He gets his jacket and puts it on, quickly leaving to get into the limo.

And there he is. Charles who is now known as Bullpenis. He's gotten his dreads cut off since the last time Harry saw him. He just waves at him in greeting before sitting down across from him.

A song with a strong beat is playing on a loop, the words 'I'mma fuck a white twink' said over and over again. "What song is this?"

"It's my song, mate," Bullpenis says proudly. "Gonna make it big, I'm tellin ya."

"That's great, Bullpenis," Harry says, smiling slightly, albeit with a fake smile.

"It's Bullpenis.mp3!"

".mp3."

The car pulls up in front of a modestly big two-story house, where Louis is waiting outside with his parents. Harry steps out to greet him, waving towards his future parents in law before he gives Louis a quick peck on the cheek. They shuffle into the car together.

"Louis, this is Bullpenis," Harry points at the man in question. Louis nods at him in greeting. Bullpenis nods back before saying "It's actually Bullpenis.mp3."

Harry almost rolls his eyes. ".mp3, yeah. This is my boyfriend, Louis."

\-----

Harry is nervous as he walks through the after party towards the liquor table in the kitchen. He's taken one sip of some disgusting beer/vodka concoction when Liam sidles up to him. "Did you do the do?"

"Not yet," Harry sighs, staring at the various alcohol bottles littering the table. "I'm nervous."

"What have you got to be nervous about, mate?" Liam nudges him, knocking their shoulders together. "You've been with him for  _ two years _ , and he loves you. That's like the best way to lose your big V."

"Yeah, I guess," Harry says, shrugging. Liam fills a tiny shot glass with whiskey. "Here take this, you don't want to come too soon."

"You think?"

Liam nods vigorously. "Oh most definitely."

Harry knocks back the drink and it burns on the way down. He coughs into his closed fist. Liam fills it again. "One more."

Harry just grabs it without a word, quickly knocking it back. He lets out a breath as he shakes his head. " Whoa."

"Okay, go have sex!"

Harry nods, walking backwards to the door. "When I come back, I'll be a man!"

"Yes!" Liam claps his hands and takes another shot of whiskey. Then as Harry opens the door, he hears Liam shout "wait that's not the hallway!" Before he falls down the stairs. Something heavy hits his head at the bottom and that's when everything goes black.

\-----

**4 years later, 2011**

Harry wakes up to a sharp pain hitting him in the skull. He winces, quickly cupping the wound with his right hand. He opens his eyes to see Liam holding a baseball bat above him and startles, falling out of the bed with a thump. "What the fuck!?"

Liam's eyes widen, and he starts smiling widely. "Holy shit, mate, I can't believe this actually worked!"

"What the fuck, Liam!" Harry yells as he tries to get up. His legs don't move. "Why can't I move?"

"You were in a coma," Liam says, that stupid smile still on his face. Harry wants to slap him. "You fell down the stairs and then you were in a coma."

"I remember falling down the stairs," Harry mutters. He struggles to get up again. He struggles so much that he shits himself. A big puddle under him.

He hates this.

\-----

After he's all cleaned up, he's laying down on his stomach while flipping through some old gossip magazine. Liam sits in a wheelchair facing him with the baseball bat clutched snuggly in his arms. "So, I've been in a coma for four years?"

"Yeah."

"So where is my dad? My mom? My sister?" Harry asks, flipping to the next page as if he's actually interested in the magazine and not the answer to the question.

"Your mum and dad got a divorce, and your mom has remarried a very sweet lad, they live in london. Your sister is in Africa." 

"Wait," Harry blinks. "They just left me here?"

"You were a vegetable," Liam says with a shrug. Harry rolls his eyes. "What about Louis? Where is he?"

"I don't know, he stayed for a bit but then left after college."

"How could he just leave me like that?"

"You were a vegetable," Liam shrugs again. Harry closes the magazine, maneuvering himself so he's on his back under the covers. "Then why are you here?"

"Because we're bros," Liam raises his fist for a fist bump. "What up?"

Harry ignores the raised fist. "Can you leave? I just really want to be alone for a bit."

"That's okay," Liam gets up, walking towards the doorway. "I have a date with Zayn anyway."

"Wait," Harry's eyebrows raise. "You're dating Zayn? The one who hated you all through college because you said diabetes was only for old fat people?"

"Oh yeah," Liam nods. "I guess I did say that. That's not true apparently." He waves with a small smile. "Bye." 

\-----

Harry's doing his physical therapy. Trying to walk a few steps while holding onto the railings on each side of him. His legs shake hard with each step, and keeping balance is making him a little dizzy.

He takes one more tiny successful steps, letting out a relieved breath at it. Liam runs inside, holding his _Bold Arva_ magazine up as if it's a prize he won at a candy shop. "I found him!"

"You found who?"

"Louis!" Liam shoves a copy of _Bold Arva_ into Harry's hands. Harry looks down at it, his eyebrows raised. "What does this have to do with Lou?"

"Just flip through it," Liam says, rolling his eyes. Harry opens it and starts to flip through it, and then when he's just about to close the magazine and give up on whatever Liam wants him to see, he notices it. He flips the page again and his eyes widen.

That's Louis. He's naked on a surfboard on the beach, laying down on his stomach and flirting with the camera. There's a full view of his perky butt, a tiny peach tattooed on one bum cheek. At the top of the page are the words 'Twink of March'. On the bottom of the page is the photographers name, and below that is 'model: Tommo the Tease'.

Harry flips the page, and there he is again. Posed naked on a royal red sofa, one hand clutched around a royal blue pillow in his lap, hiding his dick. His over hand plays with his nipple, while his head his thrown back in apparent pleasure. 

Harry drops the magazine, trying to take a step to quickly and falls down on his front. He tries to get back up and his nurse grabs his arm to stop him but she's too late. He's shat himself again.

\------

Harry is laying down on his hospital bed, positioned on his stomach as his nurse cleans him up. The process is, quite frankly, humiliating, but he can't shower on his own quite yet. He flips through the magazine again, just staring at Louis beautiful body.

"I don't understand," Harry says, flipping to the third picture towards the back of the page, where Louis is posing in a bathtub full of bubbles, laughing while another man, who's brown skin is glistening with oil, rubs his shoulders with a sensual smile. "I mean, he's never been scared of nudity or anything, but this is a bit excessive."

"At least you've found him," Liam answers, sitting in the wheelchair across from the bed. He's flipping through his own copy of the magazine. "You've gotta admit, Louis is, like, made for this."

"Shut up," Harry grumbles, flipping back to the surfboard picture. "And the tattoos, why has he got them?" He strokes a finger down the peach on Louis' bum in the picture, as well as eyeing the stag and heart on his bicep. "And how will I find him?"

"He probably lives in London," Liam suddenly perks up, jumping up and down while still sitting in his chair. "The party! The founder of _Bold Arva_ is having a party in his mansion in honour of the magazine's 30th year anniversary! Louis will totally be there! We should go!"

"You really think he'll be there?" Harry asks, looking back down at the picture. 

"Defo, mate," Liam says, still bouncing excitedly in his seat. "We're going. You'll get to have him back!"

Harry grimaces, glancing from Liam's hopeful face and back down go the picture of Louis. Liam probably only wants to go so he can chat up some of his favourite models, but it's  _ Louis _ . He can't just not go. He needs to see him. Ask him why he abandoned him, why he's turned to pornographic modelling. He bites his lip anxiously and nods. "Okay."

Liam jumps out of the seat, a fist in the air. "Get in! It's next week, on Thursday."

"Liam."

"What?"

Harry frowns, not believing how dumb his best friend can be sometimes. "I can't go that soon. I just woke up from a coma, I have atrophy. If I overexert myself, I shit myself."

"So?" Liam blinks. "Just try to get better faster. And we can just take the train on Wednesday, wheel you everywhere."

Harry looks at him skeptically. He supposes that could work. He can take about ten steps without much problems, and his balance has gotten tremendously better since he woke up a week ago. "Okay."

"Yes!" Liam kisses him on the forehead. "Thanks, bro, you will never regret this!"

"I'm so gonna regret this," Harry whispers to himself, his eyes going back down to the magazine.

\------

Harry's dreaming peacefully about his and Louis' first kiss, how nervous Louis had been before he grabbed him by the shoulders to drag him into a kiss. He dreams about how Louis had ran away, scared about how Harry would react to it. Harry had ran after him, of course, and kissed him, confessing that he felt the same way.

He's startled out of his sleep by a loud crash. He looks towards the noise and sees Liam climbing in through the window. He runs inside, grabbing a wheelchair and physically drags Harry into it. "We've got to leave. Right now."

"Liam, what the fuck!" Harry struggles to get back to his bed, but Liam pushes him back into the wheelchair. Rolling him out of the room and through the maze of hospital halls until they reach the parking lot. He lets go of the wheelchair after pushing it forcefully towards his car, making Harry slam into the car with his knees, as well as hitting his head on the door. He gets up slowly, dragging himself into the passenger seat. As soon as he goes to close the door, he sees Zayn getting wheeled into the hospital, his face full of rage as he looks at Liam. As soon as Harry has the car door closed, Liam peels out of the parking lot.

"Liam," Harry starts slowly. "You better tell me what the fuck is going on."

"We're going by car to the mansion," Liam says, biting his lip fearfully. There's a loud bump as a firetruck bangs into the side of the car. "Oh shit, they've found me."

He hits the pedal, driving faster. Harry looks our of his window to see a man holding a fire hose, aimed at him. He shakes his head, mouthing a fearful 'no' before he tries to roll the window up as fast as he can. The hose turns on, blasting him in the face. An axe comes through the ceiling, leaving a tiny open strip. They both yell in unison. Liam looks fearfully out of his own window. A brown man, who looks similar to Zayn, is holding an axe angrily. He points it at liam and yells "You're a dead man, Liam Payne!"

Liam swears under his breath before turning to drive backwards, making the firetrucks lose their way and he quickly turns the car around, peeling out of sight and through a maze of streets. 

Harry is wet all over, only wearing the hospital issued dressing gown. His hair is sticking to his face as he stares at Liam. "What. The. Fuck."

Liam looks around for firemen before he continues driving. "So, the story is… it's the thirteenth month anniversary of the time Zayn and me started boning, right? So I wanted to do something nice. I took him to La Rustica, and we took a selfie with the waiter, got a beer which-" Liam turns excitedly to look at Harry. "-did you know that diabetics can drink beer? Cool right! Zayn gave me this really cool smoke pipe for my spliff! Anyway, after we ate we ditched and went out to smoke some spliff. Then we drive around in circles really fast, Zayn loves that."

"Okay, and what happened next?" Harry coaxes, trying to get Liam to the point of whatever story he's telling.

"That's when we went to our flat," Liam says, a small smile appearing on his face. "I surprised him with a gift, guess what it was!"

"What was it?"

"I said guess, Harry!"

"I don't know what you got him, Liam, just tell me," Harry rolls his eyes.

"I got him a stripper pole!" Liam says excitedly bouncing in his seat. "He was a bit awkward about it at first but then he really got into it; getting his clothes off and giving me teasing looks, like his was shaking his ass and running his hands up and down his stomach, pouting his lips and-"

"Liam!" Harry hits him in the shoulder. "Just finish your story, please."

"Yes! Okay! Then he started grinding on me and stuff and then we started having sex on the floor, he was riding me and then he started shaking a bit, and he was more sweaty the than usual, which is fine, it was still super hot, but then he passed out on top of me and he wouldn't wake up so I got the baseball bat and hit him in the head. When that didn't work, I called an ambulance and they gave him some sort of shot and he woke up and yelled at me and told me he was gonna get his uncle Greig to teach me a lesson. Hes a fireman, they're fucking crazy. Anyway, He was really mad, which I think was unfair."

Harry just blinks while he comprehends the story. "You hit him with a baseball bat?"

"Well, yeah," Liam shrugs. "It worked with you."

"Liam, he probably passed out because he's a diabetic," Harry says, staring incredulously at his friend. Liam pouts as he keeps his eyes on the road. "I just wanted him to wake up. Plus he hit me in the dick and now it's all bruised up."

Harry doesn't say it, but he kind of thinks Liam deserved that. He just reaches for the radio, turning it on. A song with a familiar beat starts playing. "Is that Bullpenis?"

".mp3," Liam corrects him, nodding. "He's a famous rapper now."

"I just realised, isn't there a guest list for the mansion thing?"

Liam nods.

"So, is Bullpenis really famous?"

"Yes, defo," Liam says, nodding along to the beat of the song, the radio friendly version 'imma love a white boy' playing. Harry stares at Liam as he waits for him to figure it out.

It takes a minute until Liam gasps. "We can get him to put us on the guest list!"

Harry just nods his head in faux-excitement.

\-----

They pull to a stop at a gas station. Liam turns to him after he's turned off the engine. "I'm going in, you need anything?"

"Some actual clothes would be nice," Harry says, gesturing to his hospital dressing gown. Liam gives him a thumbs up and gets out. Before he walks into the store he tells him to fill up the tank. "I can't do that, Liam, I have atrophy!"

Liam ignores him and keeps walking inside. Harry sighs, undoing his belt and struggling a bit to his feet after he's gotten the door open. He takes a couple steps to the gas pump, reaching to take it. He opens the tiny latch on the pump to the car, but he struggles to get the pump in. He accidentally turns on the pump, and the stream goes everywhere. He turns around as he tries to turn it off and notices two truckers watching him on the other side of the pumps. 

A wind blows through the parking lot, opening his dressing gown, effectively giving the truckers an eyeful of his cock. He flushes red, dropping the pump as he tries to cover himself. The gas sprays over his body, and harry groans. 

He grabs the bump forcefully, using all of his strength to get it into the right place to fill up the tank. After that's done, he puts it back. He shits himself, a splitting sound on the concrete. He sighs, walking very slowly and carefully towards a water hose close by. He throws the dressing gown into the trash, as it's soiled, leaving him naked. He washes himself in the ice cold water of the hose, then waddles back into the car, carefully avoiding the shit-puddle on the ground.

He's shivering, naked and wet when Liam joins him in the car again. Liam's eyebrows raise as he looks at him. "What happened to you?"

"Just give me the clothes," Harry says unsteadily, his teeth chattering. Liam hands him a bundle of clothes. Harry struggles with putting on the soft trousers. Then he puts on the ugly shirt, with a picture of a hairy chest on it. He ends with putting on the green hoodie. It's a little too small, but it's warm and comfortable.

"I'm gonna try to sleep for a bit," he says, leaning his head on the window. Liam pats him on the shoulder in response.

Harry wakes up a couple hours later to see Liam asleep at the wheel. He screams, effectively waking up his best friend, who also screams. Liam grabs the wheel, controlling the car in the knick of time, as they almost collided with a truck. 

"We're going to a motel," Harry demands. Liam just nods tiredly. 

They stop at the first motel they see, and when Harry looks at the name, he glares at Liam.

"What?" Liam asks defensively.

"We're in fucking Liverpool?" Harry yells, hitting Liam in the shoulder. "We're supposed to be going to London!"

"Yes, and I need to avoid those firemen," Liam shrugs. Harry lets himself sag into the bed. The only room available was a single bedroom. Liam throws his pipe into Harry's hands. "Smoke a bit of that, it'll calm you down."

"I'm not smoking that," Harry says, crossing his arms. Liam grabs the pipe. "Fine, then I will."

He lights up the pipe, inhaling deep. The sparks of his lighter must be sparked something in the curtains, as they light right up.

Harry's eyes widen, and he just stares. It feels as if everything that happens next is in slow motion. Liam grabbing him and dragging him outside by the arm, the lady at the reception appearing and telling them she's called the fire department, Liam dragging him further away in the parking lot as the watch the firemen arrive.

The firemen all run into the motel room, turning all the flames down, until there's not much left. Liam and Harry stay hiding in the crowd. They hear two firemen talk amongst themselves.

"We need to keep an eye out for a Liam Payne," one of them says, showing the other man a drawing, a rather good one, of Liam's face.

Liam and Harry duck into the back of the crowd and towards Liam's car, leaving immediately to avoid any confrontation with the crazy firemen.

\----

Harry and Liam stand to the side on the studio as Bullpenis.mp3 dances around on the makeshift platform, many young twinks of all races dancing sexually around him as he raps the words 'suck my dick while I fuck that ass' over and over.

Liam and an intern are dancing along to the beat, clearly enjoying the song. Harry leans in towards Liam to whisper in his ear. "You know, those lyrics don't really make much sense."

"Shut up," Liam says, nudging Harry's shoulder hard with his own. "This song is brilliant, mate."

Harry just shrugs his shoulders, defeated. He can't really understand how Bullpenis got so famous, when all he raps about are fucking, hot twinks, and disappointing his mama about how he ducks white boys instead of the black boys of his own people. Harry thinks those songs are quite dumb, if he's being honest, but he's not going to say that here. He'll get kicked out or something equally embarrassing.

The song wraps up, and Bullpenis walks up to them, wiping the sweat off his brows with a blue fluffy towel. He immediately embraces Liam in what can only be described as a bro hug with too many back pats. Bullpenis then smiles and gives Harry a bump to the fist. "So what did you guys think of the song?"

"Fucking brilliant, mate," Liam enthuses, jumping up and down in his spot. "I loved it! Thank you so much for letting us come see the shoot."

"Oh no sweat," Bullpenis nods at them. "Always welcome with me, bro."

"So the reason we're here is that we were hoping you could get us in to the _Bold Arva_ party tonight?"

Bullpenis smiles widely. "Yeah no problem. You can join me on my tour bus, it'll take a but of a detour for my show tonight but it'll get to London tomorrow with plenty of time for us to get there."

"Cool," Harry says, smiling. "Thanks, Bullpenis."

".mp3," Bullpenis adds. Harry nods, repeating it back.

\-----

They've been driving for about half an hour on Bullpenis's party/tour bus, and they're just lounging about on the small couches.

Bullpenis is spread out on his side, two hot twinks sitting on each side of him, he's got an arm around each of them. "You're a virgin?"

"Yeah," Harry says, shrugging. 

"That's just not cool, mate," Bullpenis says, shaking his head. He looks towards the two twinks standing in the small doorway that leads into a small bedroom. "One of you twinks have sex with this man right now!"

"Not me, I gotta take a shit," the brown haired twink says, going into the tiny, tiny toilet. The black haired twink takes a couple steps forward. "I'll fuck him."

"I don't want to have sex," Harry says, lifting his hands in surrender. He looks at the black haired twink apologetically. "Sorry, I just don't want to have sex."

Liam raises his hand, pointing at the black haired twink. "Can I have sex with the twink?"

Bullpenis looks at the twink. "Is that okay?"

The twink just shrugs. "Sure." He grabs Liam's hand, leading him into the small bedroom in the back of the bus.

Bullpenis gets out a fat spliff from the pocket of his hoodie, lighting it up and taking a deep inhale. He reaches out the spliff towards Harry.

Harry shakes his head in the negative. Bullpenis gives him an angry stare, making him take the spliff. "This is my party bus and if I say we're smoking a spliff, then we're smoking a spliff."

"Okay, fine," Harry shrugs, taking hold of the spliff and putting it up to his lips. He takes a deep breath and his lungs fill up with the smoke. He coughs loudly, his eyes tearing up. Bullpenis pats him on the back and hands him some water. He takes a sip of it, spitting out quickly when he realises its not water, but some sort of strong alcohol, probably tequila.

Bullpenis laughs loudly, clapping his knees. "You're such a fanny, Styles."

Harry wipes the tears from his eyes, focusing on getting his breathing under control before he tries again, this time taking a careful inhale through his mouth. He doesn't cough this time, although the smoke makes his chest feel a bit tight.

They spend a couple minutes in comfortable silence. Harry can't help that his thoughts wander towards Louis as he takes another hit from the spliff. He clears his throat. "I don't understand how he could do this. He just up and left me for four years and now he's just am entirely different person."

"Oh man," Bullpenis leans back into the cushions of his couch comfortably. "This one twink, completely tore out my heart for real, mate."

"Yeah, tell me about it," Harry mutters, taking another spliff hit. "I just can't understand it. The reason I'm on this whole journey to find him is to get some closure or some shit, I guess."

"Sometimes all you need to do is cry it all out, mate," Bullpenis says, on the verge of tears, clearly thinking of that long lost twink love of his or something. "It's like, you give all of yourself to-"

The door to the bedroom opens and Liam walks out, going straight for one of the sleeping bunks and Bullpenis sits up straight. "You know what I mean, mate, just gotta fuck it all out. I've fucked all those Bold Arva twinks, let me tell you!"

Harry's entire body freezes as he stares at Bullpenis. That can't be. Louis wouldn't have slept with this guy. "You slept with the Twink of March?"

"January twink, on my dick, February twink on my dick!" Bullpenis thrusts his hips, slapping his hand back and forth in the air. "Twink of March?" Harry asks again, almost dreading the answer.

"On my dick."

Harry sees red, his blood boiling at the thought of this guy with Louis. He slaps him in the face, weakly.

Bullpenis's smile drops right off of his face. "What the fuck, Styles?"

Harry just fakes a laugh, shrugging. Then he shits his pants. Bullpenis grimaces, yelling for the driver to stop and grabbing hold of Harry's shoulders. 

He throws him out of the bus, and harry lands on the dirty ground with a thud. That's going to leave a bruise, for sure.

Liam drops down onto the ground beside him a few seconds later. "Ow."

They get up, walking slowly on the side of the motorway.

\------

Harry hasn't got any idea how long they've been walking for, but the sky is still dark, and his legs are really starting to hurt. They managed to stop at a gas station a couple kilometres back, where he managed to clean up and steal a new pair of trousers, since apparently Liam doesn't have any money left.

"I'm sorry," Liam says, keeping his eyes on the ground. Harry looks at him, at the guilty set to his lips. "What have you got to be sorry for?"

"He threw us out because of me?" Liam answers, making his sentence sound like more of a question than a statement. Harry has no idea what he's even taking about, as Bullpenis threw them out because of himself. "What do you mean?"

Liam bites his lip. "Because Sam flew out the window during the strip tease and I didn't let Bullpenis.mp3 know?"

"You did what?" Harry exclaims, his eyes wide. "He fell out the window of a moving party bus and you didn't say anything?"

"I was in shock!" Liam yells back, a hand clutched to his check in order to defend himself. Harry just stares at him, wide eyed.

"I don't believe you!" He only just barely refrains from pushing Liam to the ground to punch him senseless, the only thing stopping him being the fact it will possibly make him shit himself again. "You've almost gotten me killed  _ three times!  _ And now you do this to some poor guy who's about to sleep with you! He could've been hurt, Liam!"

"I know that, Harry," Liam screams, kicking a stone forcefully. "Contrary to what you think, I'm not fucking dumb!"

"You coulda fooled me."

Liam is about to retort when they see a pair of headlights about a kilometre away. They both put out their thumbs, hoping this person will be kind enough to pick them up and drive them to London.

The car pulls to a stop a few meters in front of them and they hit towards the front window. There are two women sitting in the front seats. The one sitting in the driver's seat leans forward a bit, showing off her cleavage. "Hello, my name is Vanka, and this is my girlfriend Alexandra, we are madly in love and we just want to make love all the time. Will you drive while we make love?"

Harry blinks, looking between the women, who both are very serious. He looks to Liam, who just stands there gaping at them like some sort of idiot. He nudges Liam in the shoulder, snapping him out of his shock. "Yes! We can totally drive while you… make love."

The women giggle happily, crawling into the backseat together and kissing noisily. Harry just climbs into the passenger seat and makes himself comfortable, ignoring the lesbians.

Liam drives carefully along the road, also ignoring the loud moaning coming from the backseat. He happens to glance in the mirror, and loses his grip on the steering wheel, driving into a tree.

Vanka leans forward between the two front seats. "Can you be careful? You almost made my bite Alexandra's labia!" Then she goes back to what she was doing. Which was eating her lover out.

Harry closes his eyes, wishing for sleep to take over. Liam drivers more carefully after that, not looking in the mirror and keeping his hands tightly clutched to the steering wheel.

\-----

It's been a long drive, Harry's very tired already, but they're finally in London. 

The lesbians fell asleep together in the back a while ago, giving them some blissful silence. They'd been going at it for  _ hours _ , and Harry never thought it would end.

Liam pulls to a stop in some parking lot filled with fancy expensive cars. "We're here."

"What about the lesbians?" Harry asks, pointing his thumb into the back. Liam just shrugs. "Leave them there."

"Alone, half naked in a car?" Harry raises an eyebrow. Liam just shrugs again, making Harry sigh. "Plus, how are we getting in there?"

"Oh yeah," Liam looks out the window for a minute, at the queue of people gathered outside the mansion willing to get in. He perks up. " We can take our shirts off and make out?"

"Why would we do that?"

"Because we're hot and gay, and that's what this party is for," Liam says, an unspoken duh at the end of that sentence that Harry can practically hear in his head. "Let's just bring the lesbians. They're gay and hot, right?"

"Sure," Liam turns around in his seat, nudging Banks in the stomach with his finger. "Hey, lesbian, hey?"

"What do you want, English boy?"

"Do you want to go to a gay party?" 

She sits up, running a hand through her long brown hair and nudging Alexandra in the shoulder with the other. She says something in a language that Harry doesn't understand, and Alexandra sits up as well. The women put on their tank tops, as well as some short skirts and heels. "We're ready, English boys."

Liam leads the way to the front of the line, his arm looped around Alexandra's shoulders. The girls walk in with no problem, but Liam and Harry get stopped. "Are you guys on the list?"

"Uhh, no?" Liam mutters, pouting. "Please can you let us in? We're hot and gay."

The bouncer shoves them away. "Back of the line."

Two fire trucks pull up with their lights on, and Liam drags him to the bushes to hide. They watch as the firemen gather around in front of one of the trucks. Liam gasps. "That's Zayn's uncle. Fuck, he's going to kill me."

"What do we do now?" Harry asks, keeping his eyes on the firemen. "Louis could be in there. I need to see him."

The firemen gathered in front of the firetruck walk in to the mansion with no problems from the bouncer. Liam perks up as he watches them go. "I have an idea, wait here."

Liam disappears for about three minutes before he's back with two full firemen uniforms. He throws one of them at Harry. "Wear this."

Harry puts his own, finally understanding what Liam's idea was.

After they're all dressed up, they walk into the mansion with no problems. They walk through the front door into the party. The house is full of all sorts of models, mostly half naked men.

Liam nudges him in the shoulder. "Oh my god, Harry, that's  _ Niall Horan _ !"

"Wait," Harry whips his head to look at the man who shot all of Louis' pictures. The man is attractive, wearing a black t-shirt and tight purple pants. He's got a camera hung around his neck, taking pictures of all of the models around the room. "That's the guy who took those pictures of Louis!"

"Yes!" Liam almost yells, making a few people look their way. He giggles, a bit embarrassed. "God, Harry, look at his  _ bum _ ."

"Yeah, I can see his bum," and yes Harry can admit that it's a good enough bum, but. "Do you think he might know where Louis is?"

"I don't know, Harry," Liam shrugs, still staring at Niall's bum. "It's a big, Uhhh, mansion."

Harry rolls his eyes, leaving Liam to his salivating in peace as he goes to look for Louis. 

He walks around for a while, just looking around the people in an effort to try and find Louis. He isnt anywhere to be found.

A slender shirtless white man with a tie around his neck walks up to him carrying a tray of champagne. "May I offer you some champagne, sir?"

"No, thank you," Harry says, politely. "But could you tell me where Louis Tomlinson is?"

"Oh god, are you a stalker?" The man turns around, yelling out a 'code 14!'. Harry puts his hands up, eyes wide. "No, I'm not a stalker! I swear!"

The man lets out a relieved breath. "Oh, good. So, you want a glass?"

Harry shakes his head, smiling falsely and moving on. He walks down a random hall, seeing a security guard, he walks up to him. "Excuse me, do you know where Louis Tomlinson is?"

The man reaches towards his radio, speaking clearly into it. "Code 14."

He grabs Harry by the shoulders, and he struggles against the hold as the man maneuvers him around. "I'm not a stalker! I'm Louis' boyfriend from school! I  _ know _ him!"

The man drags him to a darkened room in a quiet hallway, quickly pushing him into a chair, and dragging his hands behind the back of it, putting handcuffs around his wrists.

"How did you get in here?'

"I stole a fireman costume," Harry mutters. He figures there's no point in lying since they've already assumed the worst of him. "But I swear I'm not a stalker. I really am his boyfriend from college."

The man punches him in the face,  _ hard _ , and his eye throbs with pain. " _ Ow _ ."

The door to the room opens, and Harry's too distracted by the pain in his eye to notice who the person is until they're kneeling in front of him. "Lou?"

"Hi, baby," Louis says, reaching out to run a hand through Harry's hair. He flinches away from the touch though, making Louis retract his hand. "How did you get here? When did you wake up?"

"Like you care," Harry can't help but spit out. "You haven't visited me in four fucking years. I was in a coma and you  _ left me. _ And to do what? Be a whore in a magazine?"

The security guard punches him in the face again, this time in his lip. He picks his bottom lip and tastes the iron in his blood. "Ow."

"You think I just left you?" Louis stands up, hands on his hips. He's angry, Harry realises when he finally gets a good look at his face. "Who told you that? You want to know why I model? It's to pay for your hospice care, you bloody idiot!"

"You-" Harry sniffles, looking down at his own lap as to avoid looking at Louis. "You didn't leave me?"

"How could you think that?" Louis frames his face with his hands, making Harry look up at him. He's got tears in his eyes. "How could you think that I would just leave you? I love you, Harry."

"What was I supposed to think?" Harry asks, ashamed. "Liam told me that you just left after college. God knows how many people you've slept with now."

"Liam, huh?"

"Yeah," Harry shrugs as best as he can while still tied to the chair. "He found you in that magazine, and then we went here to find you. Don't even know what I was thinking."

There's a commotion outside. The security guard grabs Harry and drags him out of the room and through the mansion, until he's thrown unceremoniously onto the ground in front of the queue of people still waiting to get in. 

Liam gets dumped on the ground by two firemen, his head put down on a small chair as the firemen hold him down. Zayn appears out from one of the fire trucks, a small bandage on his head. 

Liam stares at him, his mouth agape. Zayn's uncle Greig lifts an axe. "Any last words?"

"Yes, please can I just say something," He looks at Zayn. "I'm sorry. It's just, when I'm getting some I just get so  _ dumb  _ and when you passed out, it freaked me out so much that the only thing I could think of was trying to wake you up, and when nothing worked I tried the thing that woke up Harry from his coma which was obviously wrong but the thing is… I did all of that because  _ I love you _ ."

"Liam," Zayn has tears in his eyes as he looks at him. "You're an idiot. You were supposed to call an ambulance, not hit me with a baseball bat. I have diabetes, my body needed sugar so it just shut down."

"I'm so sorry," Liam says, sincerely. He's crying. "I just never understand it. I'm so sorry that I'm such a shit boyfriend."

"You want to be my boyfriend?" Zayn asks, still on the verge of tears himself. "Like as in actual boyfriend and not just fuck buddies?"

"Yes," Liam nods vigorously. "Please. I love you, Zayn."

"I love you, too." Zayn drags Liam out from his uncle's grip and kisses him. The firemen all groan, and Greig looks down sadly at his axe. "I was really hoping for a good kill."

The firemen then all gather into the trucks and leave. Bullpenis.mp3 appears from out of the mansion and marches up to Harry. He's followed closely by his two mates. "Styles! I told my buddies here that if I saw you I was gonna rip your head off and fuck it. I'm no liar."

"Yes, you are," Louis says, appearing from the crowd. He walks up to Harry, taking his hand and squeezing It. "You keep telling people you've fucked all the twinks of the calendar, but the truth is, you haven't," Louis looks at the men's two mates. "He never fucked me, and he definitely didn't fuck any of my mates. He's got a micropenis, and while there's nothing wrong with that, he's got a severe case of erectile dysfunction. He spends his time trying to get you into bed and then starts crying because you stop being in the mood after about an hour of trying to get it up. Not even Viagra works for him. He does get hard if you let him call you daddy. Which, I refused."

There's a beat of silence before the man's mates turn on him. "Man, you been lying to us?"

"Uhhh," Bullpenis stutters. "No, I mean, I did get him into bed successfully though."

Louis snorts. "You didn't. I felt sorry for you, but I never intended to sleep with you. You just tried to get me to say yes."

"Not cool, mate," one of the mates says. Harry snaps out of his head, rounding on Bullpenis. "You tried to force yourself on him?"

"Not force! I just pleaded with him!" Bullpenis yells. He looks at Louis. "Tell him!"

"It's true, babe," Louis nods. "He's not a rapist. He's just pathetic."

Harry punches him anyway. His hands aches and he waits for it to happen. But he doesn't shit himself. Huh, he must be getting better. He lets out a sigh of relief, turning to hug Louis.

Louis hugs him back tight, squeezing him for dear life. "I really thought I'd lost you, you know."

"I'm sorry for being a dick to you," Harry says back. "I can't imagine what you've gone through."

"It's okay," Louis sniffs, before moving out of the hug to frame his face with his hands. "I've missed you a lot."

"I know I've only been awake for, like, almost two weeks, but I've missed you too."

Louis brings him into a small and sweet kiss, his arms around Harry's shoulders. Then he draws back, his face set in mock anger. "How the fuck did you get taller than me while you were in a  _ coma _ ? I shoulda asked Regina how tall you've gotten last time I called."

Harry just shrugs, dragging Louis back into a kiss.

\------

Liam walks up to Harry, holding a beer and smiling giddily. "Guess what?"

"What?" Harry asks, smiling just as wide. Liam bounces on his toes excitedly. "Niall Horan said he likes my photography skills, I showed him some of my photos and he said he'll take me under his wing. I'm gonna be shooting for _Bold Arva_ in a few years!"

"That's amazing!" Harry gather Liam into a tight hug. "I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks, mate," Liam takes a sip of his beer, looking around the room. "Where's Louis? I'd assume he'd be glued to your hip now that you're reunited."

"Oh, he's upstairs," Harry says, biting his lip as he tries not to be too obvious. "He's waiting for me. We're going to talk and stuff."

"And stuff?" Liam wiggles his eyebrows, his smile turning cheeky. "You're gonna lose your big V?"

"I don't know," Harry shrugs, blushing. "I might?"

"Love that for you, mate," Liam clinks his beer against Harry's shoulder, whispering a quiet cheers before taking a sip. Harry nods back.

He makes his way to the room Louis had told to go to, getting lost once in the maze that is the mansion. He knocks one the door three times, biting his lip as he waits.

It swings open to reveal Louis, dressed in a cozy jumper and some joggers. "Hey, baby."

"Hey," Harry follows him in, closing the door quietly behind him. Louis sits down on the circular red bed, patting the space beside him. "Come cuddle."

Harry doesn't need to be asked twice, moving into Louis' side and laying his head on his shoulder. "I don't know if I'm ready for sex, yet."

"I know," Louis kisses his forehead. "I was a dick for trying to pressure you into it before."

"You were a horny teenager," Harry snorts. "Besides, I wanted to do it, I was just nervous. And I know you never would've been mad if I'd said no."

"That's true," Louis hums, pressing more kisses to Harry's hairline. "I think we should just go slow, get to know each other a bit again."

"Yeah," Harry nods, using his hand to cup Louis face and bring their lips together in a slightly awkward angle. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Louis lays them both down on the bed, on their backs. "Can we do something that doesn't involve penetration?" 

"Like what?"

"I can blow you," Louis says, licking his lips. Harry giggles. "Isn't that technically penetration?"

Louis swats him in the shoulder, laughing fondly. "Smart arse."


End file.
